So tired

Publicado: 02/06/2010 en cardio, whatever

So this will be a pic-less post because wordpress is being a a$$hole. So, anyways, I know I haven’t been posting but really work is getting to me. I’m about to move to a new health care center – not quitting my job, we move to another facility- and boy it’s a lot of work. At the same time I’m working out and reading about weight loss and working and moving and… there’s just not enough hours in the day for me. So somewthing got to give, and this last couples of weeks I found myself sacrificing sleeping time in order to get things done. And that only make the next day even harder.

Yesterday after work I went to my body combat class wich was— I dont have the words to express it. Maybe my instructor fought with his girlfriend and decided to take it out on us, but man… I’m assisting to his class for over a year now and it was HARD. The worst kind of hard. The I-puked-a-little-in-my-mouth hard. I sweated blood. I cried my way to bed. H-A-R-D.

And the lazy kid came out this last weekend, so I knew I had to hit the weights today. I needed the iron, stop catabolism or something. So I went, lifted what I had to lift and then my friend came on and begged me to join him to yet another combat class. So there I was, sleep-deprived, tired, in calorie deficit plan, after the weight lifting, agreeing to do an extra combat class because it seemed like a good fat-loss idea. And guess what, my instructor seemed to still be angry with his GF because he murdered us. OMG. Sweat and blood where scattered on the floor. Some girls cried. Well, maybe not- but I felt like crying like a girl afterwards, nonetheless.

And the weird part: all the time at the gym I felt… so freaking FAT! Track number 10 looked so fat to me. Stretching and looking at myself in the mirror, I just felt so fat, Goddammit. What’s going on? Something just didn’t clicked in my mind. So, at the locker room, I looked to myself in the mirror and yes, *something was FAT*. Weird. The I took my shirt off and what to I see in the mirror? This weird bumps, like sticks in my torso, what tha hell???  It took me like 30 seconds to figure it out. Are…. are those…. are those my ribs? OMG I now can see a little bit of mi ribs!!! Right where the anterior serratus is (google it if you don’t know what the anterior serratus is, you know seeing it on yourself is a WIN!)

So how can this be? How can I get more definition and still feel more fat? Then it hit me. I put my shirt on again, and then take it off. I saw the truth. It’s official: size “M” is too large for me now. During combat, my shirt got so wet and as it’s too big for me now, the belly area of the shirt formed this “air belly” and I looked big because of that. Stupid me!

But this is not good. I do not dream about being skinny. I don’t want to weight as little as I did the last time I weighted myself = 68,9 kg. I want to be at least 75 kg, with a much more lower body fat percentage (I’m now at 19,2%). Right. I’m going down the skinny road, and that’s not what I had in mind.

So this is what I’m going to do. This weekend, I’ll try some “S” size workout shirts and see how I look. Then I’ll take some pics on the “M” sized clothes, and the new “S” sized clothes, and post them. And regain seriousness at the weight lifting deparment. I dont wanna be skinny. I will not be skinny. I will be DEFINED.



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