OK, let me explain. Even as I am slim now, there is still this layer of fat covering my midsection that still bother me. I still call myself “fat” because of that layer of fatty matter.
So today I was at work, wearing my “L” size blue shirt that is my old summer uniform that I still use. They bought it for my last year, and my bosses said they’re going to buy me a new one this December, “S” sized. But in the mean time, while I still wait for the new scrub, I wear the “L” one. If I’m slim, with that thing on I look slimmer. Because now I’m a size “S”, wearing a size “L”.
I could buy a new one with my money, but I just don’t want to (I’m ridiculously cheap, remember?)
So there I was, at work, doing the “grabbing my stuff” game. You know, when your hands move to your belly without you even notice and start grabbing your belly, kind of a “homemade” caliper thing. Then I snapped out of it. I catched my reflection in the window, and then I just had enough of it. I’m skinny, goddammit!! I lift up my shirt, and I saw myself FAT. Wait, no, actually slim. I didn’t really knew if I was looking at a fat belly or a slim belly. From my point or view, looking down, it looked roundish, but in the reflection it didn’t…
Then I remember my hunchback.
When someone is going to take a pic of me, I extend my spine because I know I have bad posture. Then I look at the pic, and I still look a little bit hunchbacked. SO, no matters what my mental image of myself is, a pic doesn’t lie. Am I fat? Am I skinny? I decided to decide already. I went to the restroom, lifted my shirt and took 2 pics with my Iphone. I did this to decide once and for all. Here they are:
The pics were jaw-dropping for me. What kind of mental disorder do I have? How do I think to myself as a “fatty”? Do I still have the mental image of myself as the first pic I took for this blog?
I wasn’t going to write a post tonight. But remembered this experience fr this day earlier, and I realized there was a pic a didn’t take. The one that look “fat” to me. The one looking down at my belly. I just had to snap another one:
Ok, some roundishness but still slim, right? I’m still bothered at this:
And bothered at the fact that I still don’t look like this at the abs area:
BUT I’M NOT FAT ANYMORE. There, I said it. I’m an ex-fatty.
I’m not fat anymore. Now I just need to repeat that in my head 10,000 more times until I actually get it. OK; let’s start: 1: I’m not fat anymore. 2: I’m not fat anymore. 3: I’m not fat anymore. 4…